The kids in my youth group and I are putting together an arts-spectacled worship service for our church at the end of the month. Two short weeks away. We're trying to put a different twist on love, starting with God's love for us, moving into our love for God and then centering on our love for our neighbors, the second commandment of Jesus. We are going to pinnacle with a slightly updated, slightly sensual (like with the senses, not sex-tinglies) "Good Samaritan" dramatization.
I'm really proud of it, so far.
But I don't want to speak too much of it too soon. The group still has a lot of work to do to prepare.
One thing that one of the core kids challenged me on is writing a poem for the first movement. I did a somewhat job in two sit-downs. Personally, I kind of like it, for personal reasons. I don't know if it'll translate into the larger church structure on a day directed by the youth, when one of them (with very little, if any, spoken-word experience) gets up to read this heavily alliterated, heavily natural and maybe heavy handed poem largely influenced by Gerard Manley Hopkins. Oh, well, it's worth a shot. Tell me what you think:
Sand Castles & Snow Forts
I see spring surprising again
Timing its chimes with the rise & convergence
of flight patterns of
Robins serenading each other
slipping in speech like lovely ladies
lapsing in the lowing sun
I think I've a God who grants
grace - who plays in the
wind in my face
who loves me,
loves me so
i can't BELIEVE the way he loves me so
He made the universe and all its elements
colored the lines with splendidness
how can I resist his love in stubborn form
like cold shoulders, sand castles
& snow forts
I likes, I likes. Hmmm...there's a few things that COULD change though, I dunno. Not like I'm syndicated or anything.
ReplyDeletePor ejemplo, the movement of the poem in that first stanza is quite easy and slow, and then the second stanza speeds up quite a bit afterward. I think it has to do with word choice. The first stanza has metaphor and analogy covered wonderfully, while the second is straight to the point, sharp and distinctive. I actually kinda dig the second stanza more because, in the case of context and performance, I think the kids will understand it better.
BUT THAT'S JUST MY USELESS OPINION.
No one ever listens to me :)
But really, read the two stanzas and see how they differ drastically, it's like two different people wrote them.
Oh and here:
"Timing its chimes with (the) rise & convergence
(of) flight patterns (of)
Robins serenading each other..."
I think you should replace the 'the' I have in brackets with an 'a', then the first 'of' you should change to 'like' and then the last 'of' you should leave out. See how it feels and sounds and let me know if I'm making any sense. I think the Robins can serenade each other independantly of 'flight patterns'. Like 'flight patterns' can be a mysterious reference to an abstract 'something' of its own.
Mira:
"Timing its chimes with
a rise & convergence
like flight patterns
Robins serenading..."
mira (awww, tito. you said, 'mira')
ReplyDeleteyeah, i think you're right earlier in the assessment. it needs to be less abstract, not more so. we're trying to go for real applause (in the performance area) and sinking meaning, not just nice applause and scratched heads.
it's just i'm about as abstract as you can get.
thanks for response and your valuable input, sister, soul sister, sister, soul sister,
j.