tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12126432.post111610586904433590..comments2023-10-29T03:07:29.951-05:00Comments on left cheek: Necessity is the mother of rushed poetryjasdyehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17492591447246532970noreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12126432.post-1116127244915544772005-05-14T22:20:00.000-05:002005-05-14T22:20:00.000-05:00mira (awww, tito. you said, 'mira')yeah, i think ...mira (awww, tito. you said, 'mira')<BR/><BR/>yeah, i think you're right earlier in the assessment. it needs to be less abstract, not more so. we're trying to go for real applause (in the performance area) and sinking meaning, not just nice applause and scratched heads.<BR/><BR/>it's just i'm about as abstract as you can get.<BR/><BR/>thanks for response and your valuable input, sister, soul sister, sister, soul sister,<BR/>j.jasdyehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17492591447246532970noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12126432.post-1116123831410940792005-05-14T21:23:00.000-05:002005-05-14T21:23:00.000-05:00I likes, I likes. Hmmm...there's a few things tha...I likes, I likes. Hmmm...there's a few things that COULD change though, I dunno. Not like I'm syndicated or anything.<BR/><BR/>Por ejemplo, the movement of the poem in that first stanza is quite easy and slow, and then the second stanza speeds up quite a bit afterward. I think it has to do with word choice. The first stanza has metaphor and analogy covered wonderfully, while the second is straight to the point, sharp and distinctive. I actually kinda dig the second stanza more because, in the case of context and performance, I think the kids will understand it better.<BR/><BR/>BUT THAT'S JUST MY USELESS OPINION.<BR/><BR/>No one ever listens to me :)<BR/><BR/>But really, read the two stanzas and see how they differ drastically, it's like two different people wrote them.<BR/><BR/>Oh and here:<BR/><BR/>"Timing its chimes with (the) rise & convergence<BR/>(of) flight patterns (of)<BR/>Robins serenading each other..."<BR/><BR/>I think you should replace the 'the' I have in brackets with an 'a', then the first 'of' you should change to 'like' and then the last 'of' you should leave out. See how it feels and sounds and let me know if I'm making any sense. I think the Robins can serenade each other independantly of 'flight patterns'. Like 'flight patterns' can be a mysterious reference to an abstract 'something' of its own.<BR/><BR/>Mira:<BR/><BR/>"Timing its chimes with <BR/>a rise & convergence <BR/>like flight patterns<BR/>Robins serenading..."Revolthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02665665176691248694noreply@blogger.com