Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What's the deal with... (part one)

The need for a lowered toilet seat?

Now, I know. Fools rush in... The heavyweights - the Bill Cosbys, Jerry Seinfelds, Dave Chappelles, Sinbads, Carrot Tops, Gallaghers - won't touch the subject. They know it's potential comic disaster; it could be extremely hokey. Before they learn better, every hack amateur and poor-man's slum-lord comedian has a bit on the act. Well, here's mine:

I don't understand how it's so flippin' universal. Every woman I know from every house I've ever had to use the facilities in has yelled at me about this issue. Now, I'm not sloppy. That's not my problem. I wipe up and all. But, all women everywhere always get upset about leaving that danged toilet seat up. Why?

We only need the blasted seat once a day. We use the toilet, or some variant thereof, several times though. So, you see, the seat itself is... not really dispensible, but certainly an afterthought.

Why go through the process of lowering it when we'll most likely need to raise it again in a couple hours of intense Sunday afternoon festivities anyway (most likely with the aid of cheap beer)? It's not for aesthetic reasons, so don't bother telling me that. That toilet looks no better with the seat up, down, covered, or tossed into the bath itself.

In fact, it's worse covered. God invented porceline for toilets, honey. Don't give us shaggy carpets or fluffy pads. Keep it cold and hard.

The other question I gotta ask is, Why aren't men taking back their roles in this? I don't want to sound like Bill Maher on this (who the hell does?), but shouldn't this at least be a neutral zone? Shouldn't men have the lisence to liberate ourselves from the constraints of the contemporary world in one place?

Isn't the toilet, of all places, sacred? If a man's home is his castle, then surely his throne is the throne. We need to fight for our masculinity in the place where it matters most - the potty.


  1. Yeah, it's like they think the seat is only in its natural state when it's down or something.

    What I've always wanted to know is this: why is it any more of a burden for a woman to lower the seat herself?

    'Course having said that, I always make sure I lower the seat when I'm done. Just to keep peace in the house:)

  2. absolutely! i never got why it's harder for them to lower the seat than for us to raise it. maybe it's a chivalry thing.

    as far as the peace: yep. no questions asked. i don't wanna hear my wife yelling at me for nothing going on in the bathroom.


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